Good Jokes Based on Clever Use of Language:

1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'  The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
3) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
4) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'
5) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?' 
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

American in Paris

Harvey, an elderly American absentmindedly arrived at French immigration at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris and fumbled for his passport.
'You have been to France before Monsieur?' the official asked in an aggressive tone.
Harvey, smiled and admitted that he had been to France before.
'In that case you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection,' barked the bad-tempered officer.
Harvey gently informed the man that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport or any other documents.
'Pas possible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in 'la belle France.'
Harvey gave the Frenchman a long hard look. 'I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day
in 1944, there was no damned Frenchman on the beach asking for passports.'

This is allegedly a true story researched by Guy and Will

The name of a two-year-old boy was listed on the country's list of wanted suspects. He was briefly banned from getting on a plane bound for Turkey. The details on the toddler's passport had been the same as those in an arrest warrant, even the date of birth.
'While going through the passport checking procedures to get on board, one of the officers on duty said they wanted to take Suhail,' Emirates Today quoted the boy's father, Abdullah Mohamed Saleh, as saying. 'I thought he was kidding me and said 'Take him if you want'. He showed me a print-out of a document that said Suhail was wanted and there was an arrest warrant for him.'
Officials said they would investigate the cause of the mix-up.

Batman Flies In

Hilarious, short conversation allegedly held between an US Immigration Officer at Miami International Airport and an incoming passenger:
Immigration Officer: Your name, please?
Passenger : Batman.
Immigration Officer: What's your real name?
Passenger: My name is Bat-man.
Immigration Officer: Are you trying to be funny? What's your surname?
Passenger: Superman.
Immigration Officer: So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?
Passenger: Yes.
Immigration Officer [calling over to Passport Security]: Hey Bud, arrest this guy.............

[See below for the passenger's ID card: ]

To My Darling Husband

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Asda, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
Tracey
XXX 

Best Driving Excuses

I was thinking of listing my favourite driving excuses, but I heard a case of website where a chap boasted about getting away with something, only for the Police to read his site and arrest him.  So I'll have to keep certain ideas in the pending tray.  Well I cannot leave you in suspense.  Here is my favourite driving excuse, names have been withheld to protect the guilty.
A lady drove the wrong way up a one way street and then parked on double yellow lines.  When she came out of the shop, there was a policeman, notebook in hand.' Do you realize what you have just done madam?' the policeman said, as reeled of enough offences to have her banned from driving.
'But you cannot book me officer', she said.  The officer replied more intrigued than doubting his authority, 'and why not? 'Because', the lady said, 'my husband will beat me - AGAIN.'
I have to say quickly, that I know for a fact, that this lady's husband is the most mild mannered and loving man you could meet (and its not me).  What I am searching for is the magic driving excuse but reversing the genders.  I cannot in all sincerity say to a police officer, 'You cannot book because my wife will beat me', or even 'because my wife will nag me - again'.  It just does not carry these same Veritas when the genders are reversed.

Funny car jokes and one-liners sent in by Alan Turnham

Here are a selection of strange but true stories from people filling in their insurance claims.

• To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
• If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
• She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
• Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
• Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
• There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
• A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.